Advice when attending a wedding

[alyza]

Hi all,

I have been invited to a wedding of a former student (now a co-worker). How do I reply so that I get a meal that is somewhat in line with McDougall? Is it gosh to say "vegan" on the reply? I realize if I do that, I will likely have a lot of oil, but at least no meat (they never serve dairy at Jewish weddings).

What is your advice? How have you handled these things?

[LindaB]

Hi Alyza - I attended a wedding a month ago and what I did was eat something before hand so I wasn't starving when it was time for the meal. I was then able to pick and choose what I was going to have. Luckily, there were options for me - 2 nice salads, potatoes, bread, and some steamed veg. My plate was loaded and looked wonderful. Maybe you could tactfully ask your co-worker if the meal will be plate service (ie. brought to you) or a buffet. Hopefully a buffet style. Speaking from experience (my husband is a chef and caterer), caterers love to load up the table with things that are "filler" - veg, potatoes, salads, veg trays, etc. Then the buffet looks full and the money can be spent on a baron of beef, or chicken or whatever. My husband usually asks the bride and groom if there are any vegetarians on the guest list so that he can accomodate that. He makes a vegetarian lasagna when there is. Most people haven't gone as far as being a vegan so he is pretty safe with still using dairy. Hope this helps and good luck, LindaB.

[alyza]

Linda,

My past experience at these things is that in the community in which I live, weddings tend to have 1/2 a chicken, a few oily green beans, and maybe a bit of rice or potato with oil. If there are any other vegies, it is cut up and available before the wedding, but there is no guarantee of that.

In other words, if I say nothing, I will be eating unhealthy food.

[S B]

How well do you know this person? Can you talk candidly with this person? Can you give this person 1 or 2 very easy to make McD-legal recipes with inexpensive and easy to find ingredients -- and have him/her give them to the caterer -- WITHOUT hurting anyone’s feelings?

My step-daughter is getting married soon. She KNOWS that I will NOT eat off the McD program (preferably only MWL). She KNOWS that I will either sit there at the reception and not eat anything OR will sneak something MWL-legal in there in my purse and try to put that on my plate without anyone seeing me. She KNOWS how STUBBORN I am! HOWEVER, she ALSO knows that I do NOT want to do anything to embarrass her at the reception and that I am very happy that she has found a great guy to share her life with.

Fortunately, my step-daughter is friends with her caterer. This makes things a LOT easier! She asked me to tell her what I want to eat at the reception and that she would have her caterer prepare it for me. (The reception is supposed to be buffet style but I am not sure if my food will be with the rest or separate -- but it really does not matter.) I gave her the recipes for 2 things -- a very easy version of Susan V’s Eggplant Creole (FatfreeVegan site) and instructions on how to prepare PLAIN whole grain brown rice which I would like to have with the Creole. I am fairly sure I will probably find some raw veggies or raw fruit on the buffet table to have with this. If not, just the Creole and rice will be complete enough for a whole meal. Plus, this Creole recipe will hold up well being kept warm in a crockpot or the like.

By the way, I HAVE to be stubborn about what I eat because I have volume eater tendencies and MWLing is the ONLY way I can keep from eating too much calorie-dense food! I can actually do better by eating before hand and NOT eating anything at an event THAN at trying to eat ONLY SMALL AMOUNTS of off-program food -- BECAUSE after I take that first bite of something there is a good chance that I will uncontrollably eat the whole platter without even realizing it -- especially if I am excited, anxious, or stressed!

Good luck!

[LindaB]

That is too bad Alyza - caterers there need to have an overhaul! I think SB's suggestions are very valid for your situation and I wish you the best of luck with this one. Take care, LindaB.

[Malva]

First of all, best of wishes to your co-worker/past student and her special day.

Second, I agree with the recommendation in eating beforehand. I've gone so far as bringing a meal with me, and inbetween the wedding and the reception I would eat it in the car enroute (or while people were gathering in the hall).

At my own daughter's wedding, she had lots of fresh veggies and fruit, along with the other omnivore foods, but I was so busy I forgot to eat. And we ended up with TONS of leftovers.

When it's a formal dinner, rather than a buffet, it's impossible to alter the meal and so you end up just eating the salad and the few veggies on the plate. The last time I was at such a meal, the father of the bride saw that after the 4th course (this was one wild Cambodian wedding feast) I had not eaten anything, so he had the restaurant prepare me a separate meal.

But most of my wedding meal experiences have been rather disappointing, so I would again encourage you to eat beforehand (or bring your own meal).

In response to the bride, you could inform her that you are on a "doctor-recommended diet with specific food restrictions because of health issues."
And, because you don't want to get sick at her special celebration, you will either (1) not be able to attend the reception, (2) will be coming late for the reception (to give you time to eat something else), or (3) was hopeful that there would be something at the meal that you can eat.
Since you don't want to give the bride more greif than she is already going through in planning the event (within budget), I would recommended options 1 or 2 (but don't tell her why you will be late).

[fiddler3]

I have been to two weddings this fall, my nephew's and my son's. My best advice: Don't expect for a moment that the dinner served will be legal. At my son's wedding, there was some considerable effort to get me a low fat Vegan meal, and I wound up with cheese tortellini!!

Eat before hand, ask for a second salad, and PLAN any cheating you will do, eg, champagne and wedding cake!

Good luck!

fiddler3

[Lacey]

Eat before you go. I might well be in the minority here but IMHO it would be impolite to say anything to the bride. To say something obligates the bride to arrange something for you to eat and that could easily add extra expense for her. Or it is possible that she simply won't be able to accommodate you because the menu is already set. Eat before the wedding and then enjoy whatever you can at the reception. If there is nothing to eat but carrot sticks or plain rice (both have happened to me), oh well. It is only one meal and you won't starve.

Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior says "The socially correct thing for a guest to do is to be perfectly happy eating salad, bread, and any vegetable: the socially correct thing for a host to do is to refrain from being disappointed when a guest does not, for any reason, consume everything that is offered." She goes on to remind people that a hostess is not expected to be a short-order cook.

Emily Post's 14th edition says pretty much the same thing and adds that "dieters and teetotalers should never feel it necessary to eat anything that is injurious to their health or contrary to their moral standards." She gives and example of a guest who is a vegetarian and says "In most cases don't mention it to your hostess when you accept the invitation, because she will feel obligated to change her menu or prepare something special for you." She also suggests eating something before attending if one fears there will not be enough for them to eat.

I have been a vegetarian or vegan for over 25 years and I don't expect people to feed me. I have been a vegetarian for so long that almost everyone I know knows that I am one yet I still expect that there will be nothing for me to eat at many functions I attend. Eat first and enjoy any food you can eat.

[limberone]

I agree with everything that Lacey said. I have been a vegetarian or vegan for 12 years, and everyone knows it. And everyone has also stopped asking me if I am "still doing that vegetarian thing!"

At my wedding eight years ago, I would have been even more stressed out than usual if someone had replied giving me an idea of what they could or could not eat. I like to put myself in the other camp. What if someone had sent in a reply saying that they could only eat beef, milk, bacon, etc. (Atkins or something similar). None of these things were in the food offerings at my reception. We had a lot of very wonderful vegetarian food (fruits, veggies, breads, pastas, etc.) and also an offering of several types of seafood. Of the comments we got from the people at the wedding, they wanted to know how much we paid for the catering, because everything was so delicious! This is from all my cousins who primarily do wedding receptions where the food is nothing more than BBQ with potato salad, coleslaw, pickles, white bread and sweetened iced tea. And yes, everyone looks at my vegetarian family at those receptions wondering why we are not eating all that "wonderful" SAD food. But we eat before the wedding, and then we can eat after the reception as well.

Best wishes to you as you do what is best for you in your situation!

[alyza]

Hi,

I understand where you are coming from. However, at my wedding, we gave the people there a choice of chicken or vegitarian. My neice had a check box for beef or fish. If they had had a choice, I would have made one, but they did not.

Eating vegan is not a matter of taste for me either, it is a matter of health and life. I choose to live.

My husband has said that sometimes he sees someone being served fish instead of the default. Hopefully my former student will not be put out too much. I wrote on the reply, vegitarian, no fish. Since the event is kosher, I have no fear of cheese being served.

If she has a problem with this, I hope she will say. I will likely see her in school between now and then.

[Pumpkin]

I guess I'm having a hard time relating to the angst over possibly not being to eat much... or anything... at a wedding dinner. It's only one meal, and it certainly wouldn't hurt me to do without a meal now and then.

I try to keep something with me to fend off "starvation" if I can't find something healthy for many hours. Lately I've been carrying either a zip-lok bag with several Wasa rye crackers, or a handful of almonds. When I'm at a function or restaurant or friend's home, and can't find something acceptable, I will just snack on my "bring-alongs". Usually I can get a cup of tea, maybe some salad or something as well.

To me, it would be very bad manners to submit a special request for a wedding dinner or buffet. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I was taught to either eat or not eat what is put in front of me, and to NOT comment either before, during, or after if something is not to my taste. Just don't eat what you don't want, and don't make a fuss. Mostly, people don't even notice. If someone does, simply say you don't feel hungry.

It's different if it's a restaurant or airline or some entity you have PAID to provide you with a meal. Then you can request, demand, complain etc. This simply doesn't apply to social occasions, however.

[Karen]

I speak at a lot of conferences and attend plenty of fundraisers to know that you just don't know what will happen. I once helped coordinate an expensive fundraising dinner, only to be served a giant platter of green beans for my dinner, while others feasted on foie gras, filet mignion and some flambe dessert.

At another conference based in the hicks sticks, I was served wonderful seitan, couscous, and truffles. The carnivores got rubber chicken and oily rice.

It is definitely not rude to ask if special meals are available. My husband is allergic to nuts and we ALWAYS ask if a special meal can be provided for him and no one bats an eye at that.

But you just don't know. I once asked what was in the rice because I suspected it had chicken. The server asked why I was asking and I told him I was veggie. His response: Oh, we don't support people with alternative lifestyles here". I just about fell off my chair laughing.

At another wedding, the groom refused to request a special meal because he was embarassed to let anyone know he knew a vegetarian.

The real problem you will face is that even if you make special arrangments with your host and the caterer, you'd still have to deal with the servers who absolutley hate having to deal with special meals. At one very large (12,000 people) conference I attend every year, there are arrangements for all kinds of special meals. One of the conference committee members requests kosher meals and I request veggie. But the servers don't want to deal with it. One year we got only instant rice and last year all we got was a plate of iceberg lettuce.

So eat before you go, bring snacks if it is a long event, and be prepared to have absolutely nothing you can eat at the event.

Be prepared for every dish to include meat or seafood, as many people believe that makes the meal better, especially if the wedding is located in the midwest USA.

[Sandie]

My daughter was married a few months ago and we had a large wedding, including a sit down dinner reception. She was married in Canada, with all the planning being done long distance from our homes in two different states. My son and I (the only vegetarians in all the friends & family invited) opted to tell her not to plan on any veggie meals (we figured we'd just eat what we could) so as not to cause additional stress to the already stressful situation.

We actually got a great meal because DD added a few vegan meals to the order, just in case but our plan was (and would have worked well) to have just the salad (ended up being a beautiful, full of veggies delight and not a bit of iceberg lettuce) with dressing on the side and a roll. As it turned out we would have been able to also have the veggies (steamed green beans, mushrooms & herbs, no butter),too. Basically, what we would have not eaten was the meat & the potato (some kind of creamed dish).

While this is actually a non issue at this time, I do agree with Pumpkin, it's not that big a deal ~ a wedding is only a few wonderful hours in one day so enjoy the moment and don't be stressed about what will or will not be available to eat. If, you find nothing available to eat even after writing vegetarian on the reply (which is no guarantee that it will be healthier than the regular meal without the meat), eat (as someone else mentioned) a second salad. Making the decision before you go to not stress about whatever the situation brings will help you to make wise choices in the worst case scenario. Good luck and enjoy the day!

[alyza]

Just to let you all know, I also posted the same question on a board of vegans. They almost all said that they had listed such on invites and had no problems. If she is unable to accomodate me, then there will be a tiny salad (very small). The thing of it is, the time of the wedding means it will be right after work. I will be unable to eat anything before hand.

For health reasons, I simply cannot eat animal products (trying to avoid death is a good motivator). I have been to several weddings at the same location, and the menu is always the same... maybe 1/2-1 cup lettuce with some orange slices on it, 1/2 chicken, 5 green beans with oil, 1/2 cup oil soaked rice. If this upsets the hosts.... well, I will talk to my former student next time I see her, but my husband has said he has seen folks with fish meals, even though no options were given for such on invites. It appears that there is some flexibility in the community.

[S B]

To clarify my first post in this thread, I DID NOT GO TO my step-daughter and ask her to provide any special food for me at her wedding reception. She CAME TO ME and ASKED ME what I want to eat there.

In fact, when the subject first came up, I told her NOT to worry about it because I doubted if the caterer would know how to cook anything McD-style and that I just would not eat anything. Then she raised her voice and told me that I could NOT just sit there and eat nothing!!!

She would not give up until I told her what I wanted. Then she asked me to write down exactly how I wanted it (meaning a recipe) so she could give it to her caterer who happens to be a friend of hers. (I could imagine all of the "crazy" things my step-daughter HAD ALREADY TOLD this caterer-friend about me -- her wacky McD-vegan step-mom from "The Twilight Zone" who does Winsor-Pilates...! :lol)

Of course, since her dad and I are HELPING TO PAY for the reception, I guess she feels obligated to serve at least ONE dish that I CAN eat!

In a situation where you are simply a guest and NOT someone INVOLVED in the event, I did NOT mean (in my first post) to sound like I was suggesting for you to abruptly request a special recipe! (That WOULD be RUDE!) I meant, if you KNOW the bride/groom well enough to talk candidly with her/him, then to causally let her/him know that that you HAVE to eat differently from most people for health reasons. That puts the ball in their court. If they do not make any offers to accommodate you, then, at the least, they should UNDERSTAND if you bring a snack in your purse.

...and, if by some slim chance, they should ask for some recipes to give to their caterer -- then make sure they are very simple, inexpensive, and something that omnis might like -- carnivores are another matter! That way, the caterer should not feel so "over-worked" by having to make something special. Who knows? The caterer might even be able to replace one or two SAD vegetable side-dishes WITH your recipe(s) and NOT have to increase the fee. Also, write the address for the McDougall Web Site at the bottom of the recipes -- just in case the caterer is curious. You never know what seeds you might be sowing!

Actually, some McD-recipes are not very different from some SAD recipes. These McD-dishes are basically SAD vegetable side dishes with NO added oils/fats, NOTHING from animal, NOT a lot of processed/refined ingredients, and lots of herbs instead of a lot of salt.

I hope all goes well!