Cal's journal

[c107]

10 December 2015

I must gain weight *now*. I'm only one hundred fourteen pounds!

Mom is taking me to a doctor tomorrow to test my blood. No matter how
many facts I cite, I fear that they will continue to bully me into
violating my religion (veganism).

General info :

- 19 years old
- male
- near Kansas City
- 114 Lbs [EDIT: doctor's scale said 119]
- 5'5"

Lifestyle :

- eats no animal products since December 2014
- completely sedentary in bed, on computer
- never goes outside
- never has visitors/companions
- stays up all night listening to people talk
- goes to bed at 7 AM, wakes up at 5 PM
- eats until full, which amounts to 1 bowl [1] three times a day
- eats oats & raisins, mashed potatoes, pasta marinara & cashew
parmesan, and Mexican beans & rice
- drinks water (probably does not drink the recommended 8 glasses)
- read weight gain advice from 2003 newsletter [2]
- is trying to drink more apple cider and orange juice
- may be losing up to 15 mg Zn/day (assuming 3 mg per emission [3]
- had been taking at least 3 Ibuprofen and 1 naproxen each day for
three weks for tooth pain
- 5000 mcg B12 cyanocobalamin/wk
- usu. 2 tbs. nutritional yeast at lunch, dinner

Problems :

Except for depression, all problems happen off and on every day.
Depression is rare (about once every 30-60 days) but occasionally
results in complete fasting (no food, 1 L water) that lasts for up to
two days.

- on food stamps
- cannot afford medical care
- depression (always had it)
- sore back, neck
- untreated infected, impacted wisdom tooth
- tingling fingers
- "flowing cool water" feeling under skin in legs, hands, arms
- "cool water spray/mist" feeling under skin in hands
- black stools
- "pin-prick" feeling around the cables of muscle that control the fingers
- Mother, grandmother say lips are pale

Possible sources of help :

- Seventh Day Adventist churches
- Seventh Day Adventist hospitals
- Ed Powell, CPBN [4]

References:

[1]: http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/50258950/
[2]: http://www.nealhendrickson.com/mcdougal ... weight.htm
[3]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5FLp1YqPO4
[4]: http://www.healthyliving4today.com/

[c107]

10 December 2015

When I woke up, I found I had a sore throat and I felt very heavy, like I had a fever. The feeling seemed to mostly go away once I drank 0.5 L water and breakfast. Perhaps it was the yellow pill my mom gave me, though. (Not sure what it was.)

What I ate

For breakfast, I had 2 bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy.

For lunch, I'm struggling to find something to eat

• the avocados went bad
• there's no bread for hummus sandwiches
• there are tortillas, but there were only enough for a tiny snack/appetizer
• I cooked a sweet potato and the skin stuck
• I spent twenty minutes carving the skin off the sweet potato while trying not to burn myself
• all this annoying effort is just for my do-nothing life
• all this annoying effort doesn't make other people happy
• all this annoying effort doesn't produce delicious lasagna
• lasagna requires swapping the tofu mixture back and forth until it's completely mixed, which is a huge, annoying tedium
• I can't figure out how to use this wretched bbcode
• I can't get a programming language interpreter to run a program to convert Markdown to bbcode

Forget it! I'm going to eat three Clif Bars! The banana nut bar has that weird dirty sweet taste like honey.

I finally finished the sweet potato. It tastes like popcorn. I put two teaspoons of oily peanut butter on it and mashed it all up. It doesn't taste good, but I need the calories. I pace in circles, waiting on myself to swallow down this orange and brown glop!

As I try to choke down this sweet potato, the words of one of the Registered Nurses that live in my housing area echo through my head: "oh, that [veganism] is dangerous!" I frown. By 16:00 Central, I finally choke down the sweet potato. I move on to choking down the next two Clif Bars...

I open the Sierra Trail flavor. For a bar that can make me cry in agony if it gets to the wrong side of my mouth, it takes too much time to open (ten seconds). The chocolate lures me in, but the first bite is disgustingly sweet. It is not as good as mashed potatoes. I take relatively long breaks between bites, because it's too sweet. I finish the Sierra Clif Bar at 16:10 Central. I swallow the last bit of it at 16:11 Central.

At 16:09 Central, I feel like zits are coming on and that I might get them tomorrow.

I contemplate eating the third Clif Bar, but I am not hungry and the sugar from the first two have disgusted me. I throw the Nuts and Seeds Clif Bar on a nearby table.

I look at the clock. It's 16:15, less than an hour before dinner. What am I going to fix for dinner? I don't know what to do. Nothing sounds good and I don't feel like doing anything. No amount of effort is worth keeping my wasteful life going. What I do does not make people happy. I can't cook for people because the recipes I read off don't sound good to others.

I walk to the kitchen and refill my 0.5 L water bottle. I take my plate of sweet potato and Clif Bar wrappers with me and throw it in the trash. I finish the 0.5 L water at 16:43 CST.

0.5 L water at 19:00.

1 bowl pasta at 19:30.

0.5 L water at 20:22.

[c107]

Hi.

Some suggestions while at the doc:

* Listen, don't argue. You won't reduce their concerns by arguing.
* Ask to be referred to a mental health provider to be evaluated for an eating disorder.

This will make things smoother, and buy you some time. Plus, you may find that you do have an eating disorder. Don't worry.... you can remain a vegan while being evaluated and treated for an eating disorder.

In the meantime, study up on Calorie Density. Read everything you can, watch videos, learn. I know, I know, practically everyone uses Calorie Density as a tool to lose weight... but that is because they apply the principles to meet their needs. You can just as easily apply the principles of Calorie Density to your need to gain weight.

Stop stressing as much as you can. It only makes it work.

(((hugs)))

-Norm

1. I can't give legitimacy to a doctor's claim that I require animal products. If I give legitimacy to what is said, my mom will interpret advice as an order and she will order someone to come over here and shove fish in my mouth. A girl in my town said she stopped being vegan because her doctor told her she couldn't; I don't want that to happen to me.
2. I do have an eating disorder, but it's not all my fault. I have become nervous around food because of the social implications of not being able to eat everything in sight like I used to.
3. Can I ensure that the person in charge of my eating does not contradict McDougall's theory and advice? The contradiction will drive me mad.

[c107]

11 December 2015

What I ate

Breakfast: Frosted Flakes with raisins and apple sauce, moistened in apple cider.
Snack: Hummus and Ritz crackers; an orange.
Lunch & dinner: Large baked sweet potato; quinoa and corn in salsa and cumin; fat-free vegetarian refried beans; kale sauteed in apple cider, topped with walnuts.

The doctor appointment

The doctors did not dispute the viability of a diet free of animal products. One recommended I eat more greens for calcium and iron (I agreed that I should eat more greens). I was offered a dietitian and I will be seeing them. They also said that I should start exercising.

They tried to take blood, but my veins were thin and hard to stick; this normally doesn't happen. I will try drawing blood again on Monday.

They gave me a stool sample kit to investigate the black stools.

[c107]

12 December 2015

Breakfast: quinoa, fat-free refied beans, taco seasoning, beans, corn, salsa, Taco Bell hot sauce, nutritional yeast.
Lunch: quinoa, fat-free refied beans, taco seasoning, corn, salsa, Taco Bell hot sauce, nutritional yeast.
Dinner: great northern beans, garlic, iodized salt, Worcestershire sauce, Lindsay Nixon's cornbread muffins.

13 December 2015

1 L water around breakfast.
1 L water around lunch.
Breakfast: 1 bowl: raw old-fashioned oats, a banana, a handful of walnuts, maple syrup, water.
Lunch: 1 plate: great northern beans, boiled baby carrots, cornbread, baked sweet potato, maple syrup, apple cider-sauteed frozen kale, a handful of walnuts, a glass of lemon water. OMG SOOOO GOOOOOD!
Dinner: Great northern beans, boiled baby carrots, parsley flakes, nutritional yeast; quinoa, corn, salsa, Taco Bell hot sauce, fat-free vegetarian refried beans, taco seasoning, nutritional yeast; cornbread muffin, golden gravy, nutritional yeast. OMG, so good...
At least 1 L water with a spot of lemon juice.

All my friends who think starch is fattening can <something Eric Cartman would say>. Mm...

[c107]

14 December 2015

Food

Breakfast

• 2 L lemon water.
• 1 bowl old fashioned oats,
• 1 banana,
• handful of walnuts,
• maple syrup,
• water to moisten
• 0.5 L lime water.

Lunch

• 1 bowl great northern beans
• carrots;
• 1 cornbread muffin.
• 1 L lemon water.

Dinner

• 3 cornbread muffins,
• golden gravy;
• half bowl kidney beans,
• canned tomatoes,
• canned green pepper,
• chili spices.

Physical activity

walking in the grocery store.

Bowel movements

brown, low volume, tiny pebbles.

Misc

Blood drawn from hand, two vials.

[c107]

15 December 2015

Food

08:00 Breakfast

1 L water

• 1 serving old fashioned oats, microwaved for 5 min.
• 1 banana
• cinnamon

0.5 L water

• 1 serving old fashioned oats, microwaved for 5 min
• 1 banana
• cinnamon
• maple syrup
• handful of walnuts

0.5 L water

12:00 Lunch

1 bowl of

• bean chili
• quinoa and corn with medium picante salsa
• fat-free vegetarian refried beans with Taco Bell hot sauce and taco seasoning

REALLY GOOD!

0.5 L water

Dinner

• 1 bowl bean chili with brown rice added

Bowel movements (GRAPHIC)

#2 #1

• light brown
• low volume
• small
• hard
• slow

#2 #2

• light brown
• low volume
• still small
• softer
• slightly bigger

[c107]

[h]16 December 2015[/h]

Food

07:40

[list=*][*]0.5 L water[/*]
[*]0.5 L water[/*]
[*]1 serving of oatmeal and 1 banana[/*]
[/list]

08:00

[list=*][*]0.5 L water[/*]
[*]1 serving of oatmeal and 1 banana[/*]
[*]cinnamon and applesauce[/*]
[/list]

12:00

• chili and rice, 1 bowl

0.5 L water
0.5 L water

16:50

• a whole vegan Papa John's pizza with mushrooms, olives, banana peppers, minus one piece, dipped in (oiled) marinara sauce

Misc

[list=*][*]Bowel movements improved[/*]
[*]bowel movement after dinner, faster and softer -- probably oil in the pizza?
[*]Tingling fingers, left leg[/*]

[c107]

17 December 2015

1 L water

08:00 Breakfast: 2 servings oatmeal, one banana, cinnamon, maple syrup, walnuts.

12:06 Lunch: 1 bowl chili with rice.

No dinner.

5000 mcg B12 (cyanocobalamin)

15:30: I turn the TV to South Park and it's the episode where Stan protects baby cows, goes vegan, and ends up in the hospital with cow blood injected into his veins because he has "vaginitis" from abstaining from animal products. This feels like a sign...

Bowel movements much improved, but still not perfect.

Blood test results: HDL low, LDL a little too high. Dietitian will be consulted. I'm scared!

[c107]

17 December 2015

1 L water

08:00 Breakfast: 2 servings oatmeal, one banana, cinnamon, maple syrup, walnuts.

Bowel movements much improved, but still not perfect.

Blood test results: HDL low, LDL a little too high. Dietitian will be consulted. I'm scared!

What was your total cholesterol?

-Norm

I don't know actual numbers.

[c107]

18 December 2015

I'm scared that starch messed up my triglycerides eating starches like the low-carbers said. I'm scared to eat and I'm depressed. I'm not going to see the RD until Dec 29.

I woke up late.

I did not drink water.

I did not eat breakfast.

12:25. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to chug some water and eat something.

14:00. Drank some water. Ate a bowl of bean chili and rice.

18:00. Rice and IKEA veggie balls in barbecue sauce and A1 steak sauce.

No bowel movement.

[c107]

I just read "When your diet is too low in fat, your body's level of HDL (the "good" cholesterol) goes down. This is problematic because you want your HDL level to be high to help protect against heart disease."

This is consistent with my blood results.

[EDIT: And the article said anything below 25% fat is dangerous.]

[c107]

Starch has not whacked out your triglycerides. It is my understanding that an excess of fruit can, but starch isn't going to do it. So much of what you've written here throws out red flag after red flag that you may have serious issues with eating and with food... you may have an eating disorder that has contributed to whacked out triglycerides. But starch didn't do it.

You're right... I have so many issues. I'll just do whatever the RD says so I don't die. If she tells me to eat a whole 20oz pkg of tofu for dinner, I'll do it.

I don't know how this happened! So many things in my life go wrong; it's so painful; I can't deal with it.

Regarding food:

• I feel like I can't go outside for air, sunlight, and exercise
• I feel like I can't share food with people
• I feel like I can't cook food for people
• I feel like others think I look silly not eating meat and cheese

Regarding other things: I have intense social anxiety and mandatory reporting laws scare me away from getting mental help.

[c107]

Since you're not likely to believe me... yet you'll listen to the other side, I'll just wander off into the sunset with this last bit of advice. Do your own research. The truth is out there. It really is.

It's all very confusing. People argue all the time.

[Spiral]

New Studies Confirm That A Low HDL Is Not A Risk

"I have long questioned the assertion that HDL is unequivocally a ‘good’ cholesterol," commented R. James Barnard, PhD, of UCLA Department of Integrative Biology and Physiology, and author of more than 190 studies on lifestyle and disease.

"For starters, epidemiological data do not match up." Studying populations throughout the world where heart disease is rare, scientists have found that LDL levels are indeed very low, but so are HDL levels – often 20 to 30 mg/dL.

Moreover, recent research has found that the quality of HDL in our blood can change. A saturated-fat-rich diet can foul up the ability of HDL to protect against damage to arteries, turning HDL from "good" (anti-inflammatory) to "bad" (pro-inflammatory) cholesterol.

Dr. Barnard and colleagues have made similar discoveries in their laboratories at UCLA.
"Our research from men attending the Pritikin Longevity Center revealed that pre-Pritikin, the men had HDL levels that were quantitatively normal, but their HDL was pro-inflammatory.

"Post-Pritikin, the men’s HDL had converted to anti-inflammatory despite the fact that total HDL had gone down a little."

"Our work indicates that the Pritikin lifestyle improves the quality of HDL while dramatically lowering the bad LDL cholesterol," sums up Dr. Barnard.