Absgirl, I can totally relate to the smell of things making you crazy, I had to grapple with today (well, really yesterday) and It was
H.A.R.D.!!!!The bean recipe is really good legal comfort food, and it is good not blended, too. Especially if you let it sit overnight so the cashews soften, then re-heat it. Good that way, all chunky and un-blended, over rice or potatoes. Want some right now....
Hey
Moonwatcher, thanks for the supportive and insightful words. Glad you got a kick out of the checkout story
Fulenn, thanks for the support, and for stopping by - I know you are really busy right now! the book I am reading by Geneen Roth is called "Women, Food and God."
I think she wrote it awhile ago, in the 80s maybe, so some of it is dated, but lots of it is essentially timeless. Her nutritional advice is not in alignment with this WOE, but I am trying to read around that.
Day 24Woke up early, way before the alarm clock. That hasn't happened for awhile. I guess it is going to be rainy today, because seagulls are fighting dramatically outside my window right now, and we are at least 6 miles in from the wild Pacific. Here comes a storm! Now I just want to see a Pelican...
BreakfastKale/collard/blueberry/parsley pomegranate/POM shake with flax seeds
Steamed curly kale with bean sauce
LunchAte lunch from about 3;00-3:45 pm. I was pretty hungry, since I finished breakfast at 9:15 am and so I overate a little. Not terrible, but I definitely was motivated by anxiety about not eating enough food. I had:
Leftover shake
Big salad
Steamed brussels sprouts covered with cold butternut squash/veggie soup
SORBET! Made up a new yummy one - blueberries, cucumber and avocado, with POM juice. It was REALLY good - very refreshing. I love it when leftovers and what is around the house make up a great new food combo. Of course, I was already full when I ate this, so....it must be really tasty or I would not have liked it!
Work was very boring today - lots of repetitive computer stuff: capturing video stills, then saving all those PNG files as JPGs and then enhancing the images in Photoshop. I am treating it like a meditation: file by file, just like breath by breath. But I still use Ctrl A and F12 as much as I can!
DinnerWas not planning to have any dinner, since I was not Hungry, but then I got into the old "It's Friday night, poor me, I can't go out and have a beer or some dessert, so I want - no, DESERVE - a legal treat." Tiniest violin playing in the background, of course.
So I got veggie sushi from WFs, and while we were there my husband picked up some pizza and beer for him (guess he was in the same mood, since he has been eating pretty much perfectly, too.) So then we were sitting around and talking and I was smelling the pizza and watching him have the beer and I compulsively ate: the sushi, an entire bag of frozen raspberries, an apple and some bean dip with raw cauliflower. All good, healthy foods, of course, but ...I WAS NOT HUNGRY and I either could not, or really did not want to stop eating.
Of course, I regret it today. My digestive system feels very uncomfortable, and I am tired because I could not get to sleep until late with all that food sitting like a rock in my gut. I feel a little stuffed up, something that happens to me when I eat too much food of any type, and sort of stiff, mostly in a normal way, only very slightly in an arthritis way, but still. Ick.
You know, I have mastered the staying on plan thing. Not really a problem to stay on plan. But sometimes I still feel deprived, even though I know better. And i recognize this feeling of not being able to stop myself from when I was drinking, so I guess the same emotional mechanism is going on here with food in place of alcohol, or cigarettes, which I also used to smoke.
I haven't really written down much about the physical health reasons that I want to get a handle on this, but clearly I have emotional stuff to deal with, too. So it is an opportunity, even if I am just furious at myself right now. Which is probably not fair of me, towards myself, and only feeding the feeding-frenzy mindset.
Ah well. Wherever you go, there you are.
ExerciseWe walked about a mile total getting to the store and back to get the "treats," and then after I was stuffed and we were just sitting at the table talking, I made us go for a walk around the neighborhood, partially because I was really uncomfortable just sitting with all that food in my belly.
And partially because my husband was really racing through a six pack, and since he has lost weight and not drank in awhile he was getting pretty inebriated. I find it really boring to hang out with drunk people when I am not in that head space at all. So if we were going to still hang out, I wanted him to slow down.
All in all I realized a couple of things. One: I was initially jealous that my husband "got" to have pizza and beer. and Two: after that passed and I ate a bunch of food, I felt really lonely while he indulged and I didn't. Because it felt like, in a way, that he abandoned me or hanging out with me for real in that time period by checking out through the alcohol.
Because although he argued vociferously against the concept that he was drunk at all in the moment, this morning when I woke up and asked him how he was, he said, "Ugh, I am really feeling it, I was really drunk last night."
And because no matter what anyone says, people are not the same when they are drunk, and they are not "more real." I think they are less real, and myself included when I was drinking.
MeditationMeditated 20 minutes in the am. One thing I notice, after a few weeks of pretty regular mediation, is that the 20 minutes flies, rather than drags like it did when I started. Maybe this is a good indication that I can start upping the time again. I was doing 30 minutes, but I think it was too much for me, and I sort of rebelled/resented it. So mow I am tryin to ease back into 30 minutes at a time or more.
Meditated 10 minutes in the night - my halfway compromise between not doing it at all - I was still feeling rebellious about taking care of myself - and knowing that this is a really important thing I am doing for myself, and I am only shorting myself if I skip it.
Thought for the day:
"Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free:stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the Ultimate." - Chuang Tzu